il bollettino della sfiga

Nefha bla tmiem (Blow Job)

IS-SCIRIA
Sci gimgha u nofs ilu il corrispondent umli taghcom chien ched iipprepara ghal migia ta' tnein minn shabu italiani heuua letzeburgu. Minhabba illi dan l-ahhar chien safa soleowner ta 22ruedebragance uara li mandru telac lein pastures new, gs ma chiensc ichtar provdut bil-letto di riserva maghruf ucholl bhala futon ikea dauaballa. Chien ghalhecc illi bdeu pianiiet sly ta' chif bi ftit flus gs seta iatretta ruhu ghal chull visitin li iista' igib mieghu ir-rih lein letzeburgu. Fi ftit chliem l-eroi taghna chellu bzonn isib sci sodda ieu tnein spare fein seta iitfa chualuncue mistiedna li iinchaleu.

L-optioniiet chienu varii:

Seta per esempiu ionfoch somma helua ta' maduar 200€ u iohrog bi "clik-clak" (terminu franciz ghal sufan convertible) li chiesu hareg mis-set ta' Sibtiiet Flimchien u maghzul appositament minn Norman Hamiltom (minghair it-Tours). Izda peress li GS ghandu gosti ferm ichtar elevati milli nghidu ahna bhalperezempiu Alfred Zammit tas-superwan din l-option giet sorvolata bi zbrisc.

Seta ucholl ionfoch somma helua u iisctri folding beds li mita ma iintuzausc iintefghu fil cantina ta ruedebraganz izda daun dehru bhal speiiez zeida overandabove in-necessariu (chif chienet tghid omm georgepullicino mita tmur tisctrilu hueigu).

L-ghazla uachhet fuc matelas gonflable helu helu. Chien hemm versioni superattrettata illi tintefah uahidha. (Mhusc propria uahidha, trid tghidilha int mita u anca trid tuahhalha ma sors ta' lucelttrica – asida – taiba haphna ghla camping f'nofs campania per ezempio). Din il versioni pero chienet tisua 59€ chull sodda. GS ghazel versioni meno fina illi chienet ticconsisti f'matelas gonflable 170 X 95 ghal prett modicu ta' 14€ u li bhal mara incatsata li ma hisc lesta taghti piaciri chienet "Blow-It-Yourself".

GS ghazel zeug esemplari tas-suddett matelas u segua b'reqqa li-struttioniiet li chienu jidhru visualment fuc il cascesc. Fil-fatt chien hemm disinn ta' pompa normali fuc barra u ghalhecc GS dar mal-Batiself ifittesc pompe de l'air sabiesc icun iista ionfoch il-matelas bl-inchas sforz necessariu. L-interrogattioni ta' bosta haddiema chez batiself chienet uahda ardua specialment mita chull darba li avventura ruhu b'euphoria franco-linguistica u deiiem sab tuegiba tipo "Bitte, gesellschaft, pompen " u affariìet ohra strambi bhal daun. Peress li fil-lingua dobermanniana GS ma tantsc hua espert (limitat fil-fatt ghal fraziiet bhal "enschuldigung", "eine coca bitte" "im brandfall nicht benutzen" u "bundesverfassungsgericht" illi huma pratticament il-toto tal-lingua li iaph) il-problemi chienu ched iimmoltiplicau dacs familia fit-terzo mondo.

Fl-ahhar sab haddiem francophonu incatsat illi mid-dehra chull min sctara saccu li iintefah iintbaghat uara fis-settioni tieghu ghal pompa u dan b'haphna aplomb indicalu footpumpé avec deux cylindres pour le maximum de plaisir. Dan insctara flimchien maz-zeug sacchiiet u GS mar bil-mod id-dar ferhan ferhan.

MCGYVERZ

Mela ftit iiem uara gie l-occasioni li GS iiprova dauna l-imtierah. Dana sehh ghaliesc oht MB giet tocghod ghandu ghal leil u ghalhecch chien hemm bzonn ta' sodda ohra. Inhareg ghalhecc is-saccu tad-ditta INTEX trading u GS osserva ghall-euuel darba l-inlet (as opposed to outlet) minn fein suppositament tiddahhal l-aria. Haunhecc inscteghlu il-bozzoz PANIC, FGHOXXITTEDESCHI u anca il bozz XILMADONNAHANAGHMLU filuacht li bdeu iinstemghu fil-boghod id-danse troupe michriia appositament mid-donna bendata illi bdiet ticsceph pian maliniu ilil s-sugget taghha chien GS in personam u anca in sfi*am.

L-inlet chella diametru ta' maduar tlett centimetri (ossia radiu ta maduar uihed punt hamsa centimetri). L-izbocch tal-footpump chien maduar .9 ta'centimetru. Illammi. Illajs. U anca izo**. Nimmaginau li isc-scena chienet l-istess mita uihed mis-seba nani iddecieda iavventura ruhu go chamret biancaneve to "tryhislukk" sachemm inciscfu id-dettalii u l-impossibiltà ta' l-operattioni saret piuttost evidenti.

Pero mincheiia chull avversità GS ma catasc calbu. Cempel lil marcovalden u b'domanda trabocchetto stiednu id-dar sabiesc iehu café. Fl-istess hin beda idur mad-dar iara isibsc soluttioni faidaté. U haunhecc bdiet brainwejvuan.

BRAINTSUNAMI No. 1 – Le Bouchon

GS dahal fil chcina fein sab numru considerevoli ta' bouchon. Ghal min hu pagan ghal lingua franciza il bouchon hua t-tieni parti tat-tirbouchon. Tirebouchon hija s-sors ta' trabixu. Mela fhimtu. Sab is-sufra tal-inbid. Permezz ta' sett ta' skieken tal-gobon beda attivita artigianali helua helua li kienet tikkonsisti li jaghmel tocba f'nofs is-sufra u li f'tarf minnhom iifforma tocba dacs l-izbokk tal-futpump u n-naha l-ohra tinzamm shiha sabiex tintappa l-apertura pornographica illi biha chien dotat il-matelas.

Uasal marcovalden. Is-sufra issauret chif suppost u nbeda process ta'tinfih bilmod. Nel terzo tempo il matels beda jidher ched iintefah (bilmod) xi ftit (haphna bilmod). Izda s-sufra chienet ched tizloch sci ftit. Marcovalden chien ipposittiona ruhu bhala pumper u dan chien ched iaghmlu a ritmo di musica anni ottanta li chienet ched tindacc dach il-hin. Mita z-zlich tas-sufra sar insopportevoli chien uasal il-hin ta'breinweiv two.

marcovalden iaghzel musica minn fuc l-aimech filuacht li iippompia

BRAINTSUNAMI No.2 – Le Prophylactique

GS iddecieda li l-ahiar mod li iaccertau ruiehhom li ma iidholsc is-sufra gol-matelas u iintileph ghal deiiem chien li iuzau sci haga li mita iizloch izommu. Daura ohra mad-dar ipproduciet prodott tad-ditta beneamata Durex illi ittaccab (promise ma intuzasc uara) u iddahhal go fih is-suphra. B'hecc chull darba li s-suphra iddecidiet tavventura geuua l-innards tal-matelas din chienet tincabad gol-'ondo u terga tinhareg. Izda din-is-sistema chinet inutli haphna u ma iccontribuietsc uisch ghal infih (anti chien hemm haphna hrib ta' aria).

BRAINTSUNAMI No. 3 – Le Seche Chevaux

Marcovalden – mohh not li deiiem tileph il-premiu nobel ghal creattività u pratticita ghal sbrisc ghaunhecc indahal u iccontribuisca bi scoperta fantascientistica. Iddecieda illi tarf ta' fliscun tal-plastic tal-ilma ghandu iissasawwar f'lenbut u f'tarf iehor iitqieged hairdryer illi ionfoh l-aria (shuna) gol-mitrah. Ghalscein GS imprecalu li peress illi l-hairdryer does not fit like a glove into the lembut ma tantsc chien ser icollu effett. Issellifna il-hairdryer ta' MB u f'chemmilninirraconta inghafas start. Hadmet. Ghal sci seba secondi. Uara tali ammont ta' hin il-fliscun tal-plasticc tghauueg bis-shana u l-hairdryer ghamel paqq.

BACKTOSQUAREONE

L-inutilta taz-zeug mcgyvers spare time chienet qed tispicca ma chull seconda li tghaddi. Chien hemmhecch li indahlet JB – il persuna li chellha torcod fuc is-saqqu dac il leil. Qabdet il-pompa. Qabdet il-carta plastica tat-tgezwir illi chienet mal-pompa (u li chienet imzeina b'haphna stressbubbles li uihed issoltu ifacca f'mumenti ta dueiiac). Gezwret tarf il-pompa bil plasticghattgezwir u b'hecc il-pompa caghdet pinna got-tocba. Marco u GS bacghu ammutoliti mita rau li l-mitrah intefah haphna ichtar malair.

marcovalden u julie b fl-ahhar mumenti ta' nfih

Ara vera zeug ebeti (GS u MV of course).

BATISELF – Ix-Xiria Part two

Uara esperienta bhal dich GS iddecieda illi ifittesc pompa ta vera. Dur dur dur ma sab imchien uahda b'exithole taiba. Allura rega mar ghand l-allemanni. Regha intbaghat ghand Rex... l-aiiutant illi iservi ta' reservoir ghal nies li sctrau matelas u ma iafusc ionfhuh.

GS: J'ai besoin d'une pompe pour le matelas gonflable
REX: BITTE?
GS: (tentattioni li iaghmel tuegiba Fawlty-ana stile Ah German... I thought there was something wrong with you) izda iillimita ruhu ghal mima ta' BLOW u MATELAS illi biha zgur chien iirbah tornei internattionali ta' charades
REX: HAPHNA CHLIEM TEDESCH INTRADUCIBBLI (ghasc ma fhimtsc) imma li zgur ifissru (CHEMM IL MADONNA HA JDDUMU JIBAGHTU IMBECILLI JAGHMLU HSEJJES TA' BASS SOTTOTONO U SINJALI TA' SRUM?
GS: Forget it
REX: Try gardening section (il-puphta chien iaph ingliz)

GS imur il-gardening section fein iltaca ma assistenta strabica isda simpaticissima ghasc taph Ingliz u anca Swahili iecch necessariu. Iittiehed hdein scaphpha illi seta iahleph li chienet mistura l-euuel darbtein li mar batiself iphittesc pompi u hemmhech isib pompa elttrica ghalò prett modicu ta' 14€.

Finalmente.

Matelas INTEX X2............................ 28€
Pompe deux cylindres inutile............. 18€
Pompe electrique verygood................ 15€
Bouteille de vin avec bouchon........... 8€
Paquet de 10 Durex Gossamer........... 10€
Deux idiots et un matelas.............. Priceless

DDG:
For greater comfort ensure hole is right size.

PS. Ritiratti iitchiedu ichtar tard.

sfi*ata imlestiia ghall eteru minn Jacques René Zammit nhar venerdì, giugno 10, 2005